Science of Parenting: The Trying times

Children will be children and because of that there will be trying times. This chapter focuses mainly on the under-fives and provides tips on how to manage them. What is of importance is that the brain's dopamine and noradrenaline systems - which are vital for concentration and sustained attention - are slow to mature in children. Hence, the child is often easily distracted, impulsive, unable to focus, unable to filter out distractions and is prone to lots of manic behaviours. It is a tall order to expect the child to comply with adult behaviour.

When they just say won't or no!
There is a delicate balance between giving clear boundaries, rules and consequences for unacceptable behaviours and damaging the will of the child, which is of great life resource. Saying "won't" or "no" at 2-3 years old is precursor for the capacity to stand up for oneself, the passion to know what one wants and the drive to follow through. Children who move into total compliance at toddler age often suffer later in life from not having developed a separate self. They may be skilled at adapting to the needs and feelings of others but have little or no notion of what they want and feel. Thus, parents need to think carefully about how to respond to the child appropriately.

Trying times when they bounce about

• Bouncing and running about is not being naughty.
  
• You've guessed it, the higher brain has not yet formed the key pathways which connect to the lower brain.
  
• The answer for this is to find a channel for their energy for example go to the playground or park, get them to jump on trampoline etc...

Trying times in public places

• Find a space where they are free to run around and look for places where they are fewer people.
  
• At cafes and restaurants, offer toy or colouring book to meet their stimulation hungers.
  
• Turn shopping trip from hell into exciting treasure hunt. Engage and get them to assist with task-focused games.

Trying times on train/car journeys

• If a child has to be on a train or in a car for a while, his motoric impulses become very strong, leading to fidgeting and restlessness.
  
• It is extremely stressful for children to sit still in long rides.
  
• Give something interesting to the child to engage the frontal lobes and activates the SEEKING system.
  
• Play guessing game, story-telling, riddles, paper, crayon, puzzle etc..
  
• Take a break from the ride and head to open spaces where they can expend their energy.

Trying times with meals

• Children prefer to play games at the table rather sitting nicely to eat because when they are excited, the appetite will be suppressed.
  
• If a child has become anxious about food or meal time, undo any negative associations between eating and place.
  
• Try to activate your child's lower brain play system at meal times so she starts to associate food with fun instead of fear.
  
• Give her patterned plates and allow her to play with food to explore new textures and colours.
  

Trying times with making a mess

• It is important to avoid squashing your child's creativity and imagination. Imaginative, cooperative play is a real developmental achievement for young children.
  
• That said, it is also crucial not to give the message that she can create whatever havoc she likes and expect you to clear up.
  
• Make tidying up into a game. Use the “let's” game or the "choices and consequences" technique.
  

Trying times and toy wars

• Children get heated up about possession of toys. Why is that?
  
• Firstly, the emotional attachment she has with the toy provides her with a sense of well-being.
  
• The toy is her territory hence she is likely to respond with rage to an invasion. Concept of sharing is foreign to her.
  
• Use distraction and help squabbling kids find a solution. For older kids, teach them about trading and taking turns.
  
• If possible, choose cooperative games instead of competitive ones till the child is older. The pain of losing can be too painful and young children are not good at putting things in perspective.

Trying times with wanting something eg. At a toyshop

• Toyshop activates the SEEKING system which is to do with curiosity, exploration, will, drive, expectancy, and desire and this makes your child extremely aroused and focused.
  
• If her desire is frustrated, her rage and separation distress can be triggered.
  
• A good strategy is to pay no attention whatsoever to any pleading. Be firm and clear with “no” accompanied by an empathic response.
  
• Don't try to reason with your child as it is futile because you're dealing with her higher brain when the lower brain is in the driving seat.
  
• For children over 5, offer a choice. Once her higher brain is engaged in decision-making, it naturally calms the lower brain.

Trying times with not wanting to listen

• Reason: they have difficulty to switch attention from one thing to another as easily as adult can.
  
• One strategy is to build in a clear disengagement strategy, for example “I will count now from five to one..”
  
• Make it clear what the rules are when you are out and about with your child.
  
• Praise you child when she did as requested, “Well done. You did so well at coming back when I called.”
  

Trying times with telling tales and name-calling

• Help your child to express anger and resentment in healthier ways.
  
• Set house rules to prevent such behaviours.
  

Trying times with children at war

• Fighting among siblings is common.
  
• Parent power is influential and if you treat them wrongly, it can strengthen the primitive response in the brain.
  
• Fights often happen because one or more of your child's psychological hungers is not being met. She could be bored, under stimulated, hungry etc..
  
• She may be upset, angry and because she doesn't have words, she uses her fists.
  
• Ensure there are do's and don'ts in responding to fighting
  
  
  
  1. Don't meet violence with violence.
     
  2. Don't scream, shout or smack. This method may be effective in the short term but this response is modelling using rage in difficult situation.
     
  3. Use firm but calm voice.
     
  4. Don't take sides or reward tale-telling.
     
  5. Help your child with “too big” feeling and don't leave her to deal with it on her own.
     
  6. Make sure there are some clear family rules about quarreling and fighting and read through them with the kids.
     

The Science of Parenting- Dealing with the letter T.....

the terrifying TANTRUMS!

I don't know about you but when a child shows signs of a tantrum, that is the cue for me to return the said child to the parents. Now, what if you are the parents? Here is the good news because in this chapter we will learn all about tantrums - why it happens, what are the different types and most importantly how we can deal with them. Armed with the arsenal, hopefully parents will be empowered and feel less helpless when tantrums happen. Firstly, we need to understand what is going on inside a child's head when he is being naughty. It is also essential to keep in mind of the child's feelings and relationship issues in addition to the overt difficult behaviours. According to the book, there are 6 main reasons that contribute to a child behaving badly. These are:

• Tiredness and Hunger
  
• An undeveloped Brain
  
• Psychological Hungers
  
• Needing help with a Big feeling
  
• Picking up on YOUR stress
  
• You activate the wrong part of your child's brain.

Tiredness and Hunger

• Children behave badly when they have an unmet physical need for food or sleep. This is the easiest of the lot to deal with as you can ascertain this quite quickly.
  
• Sleep loss intensifies negative emotions when we are under stress. It also causes imbalances in blood sugar levels and consequently affects moods.
  
• Sugar and sweets may cause bad behaviour – sugar high. They get energy boost within 10-15 min and then they crash after a certain period of time. This can lead to hypoglycaemia, which in turn leads to aggression, anxiety and hyperactive behaviour such as rushing about and climbing up on things.
  
• Hunger also disrupts the hormones in the body. To remedy, ensure that your children are eating proper meal.
  
• Consuming certain foods or drinks may also play havoc with their brains.
  
• Children are particularly vulnerable to food additives because their bodies and brain are so immature.
  
• These are often found in processed food such as biscuits, sweets, soft drinks. They can have mood-altering effects and are common triggers for bad behaviour. Some additives reduce the level of dopamine and noradrenaline in the brain resulting in hyperactive behaviour in some children.
  
• Opt for appealing healthy alternatives that are low in additives, colouring and sugar whenever possible.
  

An undeveloped emotional brain

• Remember the Immature brain theory that we have learned about in the past chapters? Young children can't naturally inhibit their primitive impulses to lash out, run about and climb up things.
  
• Sometimes a child is unfairly punished as parents are afraid of being manipulated and resort to punishments for the behaviours.
  
• There are scientific evidence to suggest that a baby's or a young child's brain isn't developed enough to have thoughts about manipulating adults.
  
• Glutamate system in the frontal lobes of the brain enables us to have clearly defined thoughts and intentions. And this system is not properly established in babies and small children, which means they lack the sophistication to be deliberately naughty or manipulative. This system starts to develop during the first year of life.
  

Psychological hungers

• There are 3 psychological hungers – for stimulation, recognition and structure. Over time, if one or more of these remain unsatisfied, people can be emotionally unwell.
  
• Under-stimulation (boredom) is a pain in the brain. It is registered as stress. To change this state, people do things to increase their arousal state.
  
• Because children have fewer resources than adults, the stimulation they choose is often aggressive, noisy or destructive.
  
• Part of stimulation hunger is incident hunger. If a child is not experiencing enough incidents, he will make his own, perhaps fighting his brother or throwing a temper tantrum.
  
• Recognition hunger makes a child seeks attention.
  
• This is a genetically programmed need for attention. This means having an impact on someone in a way that makes them respond. “If I have an impact, I know I exist.”
  
• If a child feels that good behaviour does not impact on his parents, he resorts to bad behaviour instead.
  
• Bad behaviour stems from the recognition hunger that says, “Please don't ignore me”. If your child thinks the only way to get your attention is to be naughty, to scream or to cry then this is what he will do. They will take what they can get.
  
• We have a psychological need for structure. Without it adult feels restless, depressed, anxious or lose focus and meaning. It is the same with children. They need the structure of a clear house rules and consistent routine.
  
• Consider the structureless time for a child waiting in a queue at a supermarket. Your child will suddenly become horrid. However, when you do some structured activities with him while waiting, your child will be fine.
  

Needing help with big feeling.

• Children may be angered, frustrated or jealous of the attention being paid to a sibling and so on. These big feelings activate the stress chemicals in the brain and body and thus outbursts are often a child's way of relieving tension.
  
• A child does not have the words to express his emotions, so he vents his feelings in a scream or a shout.
  
• Parents need to help the children with the feelings so that the higher brain can develop essential pathways to regulate such feelings.
  

Picking up on your stress.

• A child's behaviour is often a barometer of parental stress, depression, anger or grief.
  
• Persistent screaming and raging in a child can be a way of discharging his parents' emotions.
  
• The right prefrontal part of a child's brain can pick up emotional atmospheres in milliseconds. As such, the more stressed you are, the more likely your children are to behave badly.
  
• Just as some dogs are susceptible to the emotions of their owners, so children are deeply affected on a bodily and emotional level by stress and unhappiness in their family.
  
• If the atmosphere at home is tense, you child can be horrid. Conversely, if you're relaxed, chances are they will be calm.
  

You activate the wrong part of your child's brain.

• The way you relate to you child is crucial. For instance, if you shout and issue endless commands – "Do this, don't do that" – you could be unwittingly activating the primitive Rage and Fear systems that are deep in the mammalian and reptilian parts of the brain.
  
• In contrast, lots of play, laughter and cuddles are likely to activate the brain's PLAY and CARE systems. These release the calming opiods which make children feel happy and contented.
  

Temper tantrums

• Because of their intensity, temper tantrums are not only frightening to the child himself but also leave the parents feeling inept, helpless and overwhelmed.
  
• This is particularly true when parents' own intense feelings were not handled well in their childhood. It can be very challenging for a parent to manage his/her own feelings during a child's tantrum.
  
• It is vital that parents stay calm and think of rational and creative ways to manage a child's feeling.
  
• Why tantrums are important?
  
  
  1. These are key times for brain sculpting because the emotional regulation of a child's feelings enables him to establish essential brain pathways for managing stress and being assertive later in life.
     
  2. The too-good child who does not have tantrums, learned early on that when he expressed big feelings, he elicited a frightening parental response. The price of parental love, acceptance and approval is total compliance hence no tantrums at all cost.
     
  3. This child misses out of the vital brain sculpting that he gets from his parents when he expresses big, dramatic feelings. This means that when he faces frustration later in life, he may respond with angry outbursts or struggle to be assertive.
     
  4. Not ALL tantrums are battles for power. It could be a genuine emotional pain. It is a mistake to think that rage is always about control.
     
  5. There are 2 different types of tantrum namely Distress versus "Little Nero" tantrums.
     
  6. Learn to differentiate the 2 so that you can respond appropriately. For the former, move towards the child with comfort and solace while the latter you need to move away.
     

Distress tantrums

• Parent's role is to soothe your child when he experiences huge emotional storms in his brain and body. Without comfort the distress can leave the child with toxic level of stress hormones.
  
• Children can't talk or listen well when distressed. Avoid trying to talk to your child during this period as they won't be able to process it.
  
• Take the distress seriously and meet your child's pain of loss, frustration or acute disappointment with sympathy and understanding. When this is done, you will be helping your child to develop vital stress regulating systems.
  
• How to handle distress tantrums?
  
  
  1. Use simple, calm actions or provide a simple choice. For example, if your child is upset about getting dressed, ask whether he wants to wear his blue or brown shirt.
     
  2. Use distraction. This activates the SEEKING system and makes him feel curious. It can override the brain's rage or distress systems.
     
  3. Hold your child tenderly. Speak to him softly using soothing words like “I know, I know”.. This prevents him from becoming angry or withdrawing from you.
     
  4. Avoid using the time-out technique during distress tantrum.
     
  5. Avoid putting a child in a room on his own. Vocal crying may stop but he may continue to cry internally, which is more worrying.
     
  6. Remind yourself that the distress is genuine when you get overwhelmed.
     
  7. Using distraction to avert tantrum is not “spoiling” your child.
     
  8. They do not have an adult perspective on life and thus not being able to do or have something they want can activate full-blown grief reaction. This is a result of immaturity rather than being naughty.
     

Little Nero tantrums

• Happens when a child tries to get what he wants – attention, toy, food etc – through bullying his parents into submission. They have learned that shouting and screaming produce results.
  
• These children need to learn that they can't receive the gratification they want and that it is not OK to bully or control others to get what they want in life.
  
• In little nero tantrums, there is usually an absence of tears and the child is able to articulate her demands and argues when you say “no”.
  
• The more you reward the tantrum with attention and giving her what she wants, the more she will continue to adopt the behaviour and you are in danger of setting up a trigger-happy rage system in her brain.
  
• Reason is the mere experience of rage without the capacity for reasoned thinking can result in rage becoming a part of your child's personality.
  
• When this is not handled well at an early age, they continue use this strategy to win tantrums at age 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 20, 35 or 60. They might grow into power-seeking, bullying adults.
  
• Techniques to handling Little Nero tantrums.
  
  
  1. Don't give your child an audience. It must be a solo performance for it to stop. Once you are sure it is not distress tantrum, simply walk away.
     
  2. Don't try to reason, argue or persuade. Attention and words reward his negative behaviour.
     
  3. Don't “kiss it better”
     
  4. Don't negotiate. You are rewarding the behaviour if you do.
     
  5. Give clear, firm “nos” and try to manage your own anger.
     
  6. Deal firmly with your child's commands. Give a clear, firm message about commands being unacceptable as a way to get what he wants. Eg. “I'm happy to talk about what you would like when your voice is as quiet as mine.”
     
  7. Give information about social charm. This works better with an older child whose brain is more developed.
     
  8. Use humour and play when appropriate. This can deflate a Little Nero's power bubble. Mirror him back to himself.
     
  9. Use Time Out as a last resort. It is only appropriate only if your child is hurting someone.
     
  10. Learn to distinguish between the 2 tantrums.
      

Other triggers

It is also useful to understand the triggers that are linked to tantrums. Typically, these are boredom, frustration and disappointment.

Find out if there are enough stimulations in the house.

Teach your child to express their feelings through words.


It is no wonder that people say parenting is the hardest job in the world. Not only do we have to ensure that we bring up the child with proper care and love, we also need to work at having the knowledge, skills and the right dispositions when dealing with the child at different stages of growth. Maybe that is why people also say parenting grows adults up. What a challenge and privilege.

Next up: The trying times

If you miss the previous summaries on Science of Parenting click here and here and here.

P.S. Your discretion is advised. Your comments and thoughts are most welcome.

The Science of Parenting: Sleep and bedtimes

Baby often looks the most angelic when she is asleep. New parents dream of having a baby who is able to sleep through the night as soon as possible. It is a great challenge taking care of a baby who is distressed and have difficulty in sleeping. The chapter on sleep and bedtime presents the latest scientific thinking on the subject of where and how your child should sleep and looks at current research into Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). The most important thing that you need to remember is you need to make your baby/child feels that all is well in her world at bedtime. When you succeed, you will prevent stress chemicals from being activated in the brain. That will leave her feeling very safe and loved as she sleeps and you can sleep tight too.

Facts about baby/child and sleep

• Babies are awful sleepers. Period. Accept this and you will stop seeing a wakeful baby as some kind of parental failure.
  
• The following have been established in research:
  
  
  1. Babies are prone to wake far more than adults – average cycle for them is about 50 minutes versus 90 minutes for adults.
     
  2. Persistent or recurring infant sleep problems in the preschool years are very common
     
  3. Approximately 25% of children under 5 have some type of sleep problem.
     
  4. Up to 20% of parents report a problem with infant crying or irritability in the first 3 months of life.

Your task:Calming the brain at bedtime

• Primary goal: Bring your child down from super alert state by activating the calming brain chemicals, oxytocin and melatonin (sleep hormone).
  
• Most likely way of achieving this is by establishing a soothing routine.
  
• Whatever you do stay calm. If you are uptight, you can't expect yourself to calm your child. Your tone is everything. Your stress and anger can activate the alarm systems in your child's brain, making her feel unsafe to go to sleep.
  
• Snuggle up and read a story. Your body contact with your child will activate oxytocin in her brain, which can make her feel sleepy.
  
• Try and set up the atmosphere – dim light, soothing music.
  
• Avoid giving food that will keep the child awake such as protein food like meat or fish and chocolate (stimulant) 2 hours before bedtime. Offer carbohydrate food like banana as it activates serotonin which can help make her feel sleepy.
  
• Avoid activating the FEAR system in the lower brain. Keep a nightlight, comfort and assure him, or pray together.
  
• You may choose to lie down next to your child while he goes to sleep. No talking when you do it. Pretend to be asleep yourself. The skin-to-skin contact will regulate your child's bodily arousal system and strengthen the bond you share.
  
• Allow your child to tell you what her fears are concerning sleeping.

Co-sleeping

• Extensive research shows that safe co-sleeping can be a real investment for your child's future physical and emotional health.
  
• It provides a baby with a sensory rich environment because of the touch, movement, smells and sounds.
  
• Skin-to-skin contact throughout the night helps to regulate a baby's immature brain systems.
  
• Thermal synchrony happens where the mother's body temperature regulates baby's temperature. For instance, if baby is too cold, the mother's temperature will rise 2 degrees to warm her. Conversely if the baby is too warm, the mother's temperature will lower by 1 degree to cool her. Pretty amazing huh?
  
• Co-sleeping means hours of extra body contact. The more touch a child gets in childhood, the calmer and less fearful he is likely to be in adulthood. The physical contact helps to regulate the stress response system in the brain.
  
• Some studies show that children who have never slept in their parents' bed are harder to control.

Risks of co-sleeping.

• Research indicates that the fears about suffocating the baby is unfounded. In fact co-sleeping seems to bring a higher degree of maternal vigilance.
  
• If you intend to co-sleep, it is important that you become aware of SIDS and what you can do to minimize the risks.
  
• Research around the world shows very low rates of SIDS in countries where co-sleeping is common, for example in Asia. One study showed that only 4% of Asian babies sleep alone.
  
• SIDS is caused mostly by unstable breathing and an immature cardiovascular system. Being in close bodily contact with the mother stabilizes a baby's heartbeat and breathing.
  
• When do you stop co-sleeping? It's up to your discretion.
  
• Studies show that the majority of preschoolers need an adult next to them until they fall asleep, and most come to the parents' bed regularly for comfort. Such is the power of the lower brain's fear and separation distress systems.

All about Sleep training

• Sleep training is often done because parents and their child are in need of sleep. It is vital for physical growth of the baby as the growth hormone is only released during sleep.
  
• When you decide to sleep train, make sure you don't use a method that involves prolonged crying, even for a few nights.
  
• Eventually children will grow out of separation distress and until them it is crucial that you meet their distressed states with reassurance and comfort.
  
• Why the “cry it out” technique is not good? It may achieved the goal of the baby sleeping but it is at a high cost.
  
• Because she went to sleep stressed from the desperate crying, she may wake up frequently in the middle of the might.
  
• Baby sleeps eventually more because of the exhaustion, which also means that she sleeps with elevated stress levels. Studies show that after being left to cry, babies move into a primitive defense mode and this results in an irregularity in breathing and heart rate and a high level of cortisol.

Kind sleep training – the safe and no-cry options

• If your child follows you out of the room, reassure him that he is safe and that you will see him in the morning. Don't ignore and leave him to cry. Repeat the assurance as often as needed.
  
• Avoid sleep training that is based on a deal to leave the door open. This activates fear of the door being shut. Repeated activation of this system in childhood leads to anxiety disorders in later life.
  
• Use science to inform your methods when it's time for your child to sleep on his own.
  
• When it time, it's been shown that acoustic presence of the mother can effectively bring down the stress chemical levels. Give your child a tape recording of your voice, or favourite story.
  
• Your smell can also trigger powerful positive feelings. Give her something to hold in the night that smells of you. With baby, place near her a soft piece of cloth with the smell of our breast milk can be highly effective in settling her.
  
• Make your child's bedroom a special sanctuary where she loves to be.
  
• Encourage your child to have a cuddly toy which also activates comforting brain chemicals.

After reading a few chapters of the book I find that there is a main theme running through - that is your baby/child behaves in a certain way because her brain is still developing. As such, it is crucial that parents do not blame themselves or be frustrated with the baby when he/she seems to "not cooperate". Patience and knowledge of what is going on helps to activate the frontal part of parents' brains so that we do not trigger our own reptilian and mammalian brains!

Next up: Dealing with challenging behaviours.

If you miss the previous summaries on Science of Parenting click here and here.

P.S. Your discretion is advised.

The Science of Parenting: Crying and separation

It is one of the hardest things - to see the baby cries especially when it is our own. It often makes the parent feels helpless and that is an awful secondary feeling. Not only is prolonged crying is hard to bear, it is also bad for the baby. The chapter on crying and separation in this book shows how stress from prolonged crying and separations can affect baby's developing brain. If you forget everything else, please do remember that crying is your baby's intense bid for you to help her with her overwhelming feelings and frightening bodily sensations. This is because her brain in not yet developed enough for her to manage them on her own.


Why do babies cry??!!

• Babies are sensitive, raw and vulnerable to stress.
  
• They cry for various reasons - tiredness, hunger, over- or under-stimulated, fear of threats or shocks, the environment is not conducive - too bright, too harsh, too cold, too hot, too sudden and so on.
  
• Amygdala, which is important alarm system in the lower brain, is perfectly on line at birth. Its main function is to work out the emotional meaning of everything that happens. When it senses that something threatening is happening, it communicates to hypothalamus, which then control the release of stress hormones which can then prepare the body for fight or flight.
  
• Babies need help in managing this awful feeling. If they are left to manage this on their own, the higher brain may not develop the necessary wiring to be able to perform these stress managing functions. As a result, they may stay feeling stressed for hours or even longer. Without intervention from the caregivers, the brain's key response systems are in danger of being permanently wired as "over-active". The consequence of this is that they grow up having trouble turning off the over-sensitive alarm systems of the lower brain.
  

The most important thing you can do

• Calm down a crying baby and avoid prolonged crying.
  
• You also need to have the mental and emotional space in your mind to really hear and take her panic and pain seriously.
  
• Older babies are awash with new feelings especially when they experience panicky separation distress and when they are increasingly clear about likes and dislikes, what frightens or displeases them. Since they are not able to communicate in language yet, they cry to express their needs.
  

What happens in the brain when babies cry?

When babies cry, the stress hormone - cortisol- is released by adrenal glands. If the baby is soothed and comforted, the level goes down. If not, it remains high.

• For prolonged period of time, cortisol can reach toxic levels that may damage key structures and systems in a developing brain; as mentioned earlier it would be permanently wired for over-sensitivity.
  
• Early stress can cause cell death in hippocampus, which is a very important structure in the brain. It shrinks because of cell death within its tissues.
  
• This could result in chemical imbalances in the brain. Chemicals that are essential for emotional systems are opioids, noradrenaline, dopamine, serotonin and they are still being established in an immature brain.
  

The science of comforting.

• There are 2 autonomic systems - sympathetic (Aroused) and parasympathetic (Calm & Centered)
  
• With prolonged crying sympathetic becomes overactive while parasympathetic – VAGUS nerve- becomes under active.
  
• The more responsive you are, the greater your regulation of her body arousal system will be and the more long-lasting the effects. Many parents are not aware that a child's bodily arousal system is still developing after birth and that it is super sensitive to stressful experiences such as being left to cry on her own.
  

How to soothe your baby?
Do things that will stimulate the anti-stress chemical system in the brain.

1. Touch & Massage
   
2. Sucking is comforting. Help her to find her fist or thumb to suck.
   
3. Only use pacifier when she is utterly inconsolable. Main reason is because mouth is vital for communication and forming of sounds pre-speech. Also vital for oral exploration.
   
4. Use movement & rocking – rhythmical movement resembles the security of the womb
   
5. Low sound eg from washing machine or spin dryer resembles the security of the womb.
   
6. Provide novelty – toys.
   
7. Avoid over stimulation. When baby is over-stimulated bring him to a quiet, low lit room.
   

Separations and time apart.

• When you need to be separated and the baby cries, you have to take her intense feelings seriously. Do remember that you are her world, her everything, you represent her very safety!
  
• The separation distress system in a baby is genetically programmed to be hypersensitive. Hence, your baby is NOT being “needy” or “clingy” or difficult or manipulative.
  
• Because the verbal centres are not online yet, you are not able to tell her that you will be back. Hence, she will not know that you have not gone FOREVER.
  
• Separation hurts small humans in much the same way as a physical pain. Thus, avoid pushing your children to independence long before they are ready.
  
• Stress is NOT good for baby. Period.
  

Childcare issue

• It is important to get a nanny/child minder who adores little children and is great at responding to both joy and distress when you consider childcare.
  
• Your child needs to be held in familiar arms when you are not there.
  
• There are evidence to suggest early separations and depression may be linked.
  

The NEED to cling. Why?

• It is to bring down his bodily arousal level and high levels of stress chemicals.
  
• Baby is trying to change the emotion chemical imbalance in his brain to a calmer and more positive state.
  
• This is what research reveals. Mothers who had attended promptly to their crying babies had children who cried much less than those whose mothers had left them to cry. Prolonged clinging is far more likely when a parent has not handled the child's dependency needs well.
  
• As the child grows, the separation distress in his lower brain naturally become far less sensitive. This is because of the development of the higher brain which inhibits this system.
  
• Beware of false independence. It is extremely shame-inducing for a child to be in a state of desperate need and he is met with rebuff or criticism or to be told to be a big boy.
  
• It is tough job. Bear in mind the long term investment that you're making – the long-term anti-stress effects of repeated activation of oxytocin in the brain from all that physical affection. Infants with more loving touch were better able to handle stress and were psychologically stronger.
  

I learn best when I reproduce what I have read so this serves my need. I don't mind sharing the information but again if you can afford the time it is best that you pick up the book.

Science of parenting part one is here

P.S. Your discretion is advised.

The Science of Parenting (Part 1)

People often make the remarks that they wish there is a manual that comes along with the baby. That would be ideal but I suppose that's not how nature wants it to be. There is great satisfaction that comes with learning and growing, along with the baby.

Once in a while I find books that pique my interest and curiousity especially if they are related to developmental psychology. I have always been fascinated especially with a baby whose growth is so rapid in the first few years of his life. The changes that I see are so incredible. I'm always thrilled when the child starts to speak and how the personality begins to emerge when just a year ago he was just looking so cute and not uttering a single word. To me, that's miracle.

I came across the book The Science of Parenting in the library a few years ago. My first reaction was "there is a science to parenting? Wow!" After browsing through I was so impressed that I bought the book because that is the kind of book that I like to own. What this book offers essentially is to illuminate the impact of different ways of parenting on a child's brain based on evidence that the author has gathered. She has done extensive research into neuroscience of parent-child interactions and her conclusions have been drawn from more than 800 studies around the world. Isn't that impressive?

I have enjoyed reading this book because it has given me much to think about and there are lots of useful information especially on why baby behaves the way they do like crying, and clinging to the mom for his dear life and so on. I shall attempt to summarize the key points from the first 2 chapters.

Understanding the child's brain.

• The brains are made up of 3 parts - the core reptilian brain, lower mammalian brain and higher human brain. These are interconnected by a massive network of nerves yet each has its own special functions.
  
• Sometimes the 3 brains work together in a beautifully coordinated way and with the activation of some positive chemicals they bring out the best in humans. Other times, particular parts of the brain or chemicals are in the driving seat. This make people act in ways which cause misery to self and others.
  
• The good news is, as a parent you can influence the activation of key functions and systems in your child's brain and the way in which the 3 brains interact. It can have an impact on the child's brain so that his higher brain will be able to manage these primitive lower brain reactions effectively.
  
• Our rational brain can be easily hijacked by these lower regions. When we feel a threat, impulses from the reptilian and mammalian parts of our brain can hijack our higher human functions and we can behave like a threatened animal.

Infant is born with unfinished brain

• The brain continues to develop after birth thus it is open to being sculpted by both negative and positive parent-child interactions especially during critical periods of brain growth in the first years of life. Everything baby experiences with you as his parent will forge connections between the cells in his higher brain.
  
• Designed this way so that it can be wired up to adapt to the particular environment in which it finds itself. This adaptability works for or against the well-being of a child.
  
• Hence, the way you listen to your child, play with him, cuddle, comfort and treat him when he is being naughty are of real significance.
  
• With emotionally responsive parenting, vital connections will form in his brain, enabling him to cope well with stress in later life, form fulfilling relationships, manage emotions well, be kind and compassionate, have the will and motivation to follow his ambitions and his dream, experience the deepest calm and be able to love intimately and in peace.

The mammalian and reptilian parts of the a child's brain.

• In the early years, his lower brain will be in the driving seat because the higher brain is unfinished.
  
• What this means is the emotional systems and primitive impulses in his lower brain will all too easily overwhelm him at times. Hence, his intense burst of rage, distress, screaming, rolling around on the the floor in a desperate state.
  
• He is NOT being naughty. It's just a fact about the immaturity of the human infant brain. His higher brain is simply NOT developed enough to be able to calm these massive feeling storms naturally.
  
• Genetically ingrained emotional systems deep in the lower brain are rage, fear, separation distress, seeking, care, play and lust. These are set up at birth to support a baby's survival. Infants keep getting overwhelmed by the triggering of these brain systems because there is so little higher rational brain functioning “online” yet, to help them think, reason and calm themselves down.
  
• It is important to understand this when faces with a genuinely distressed screaming baby/child. He needs YOUR HELP to calm down.
  
• With consistently emotionally responsive parenting, your child's frontal lobes will start to develop essential pathways that will over time enable him to calm these alarm states in his lower brain.

Chemicals that are important in good parent-child relationships

• Oxytocin - released at birth and helps mother and baby to bond.
  
• Opiods -hormones that give a sense of well-being.
  
• These chemicals are produced when a child is lovingly touched or held.
  
• Warm parenting will repeatedly activate the release of these hormones, creating a secure bond with their child.
  

What science can tell us about stress.

• Child's developing brain is very sensitive and highly vulnerable to stress.
  
• When a child is not helped enough with his intense feelings, the alarm systems in his lower brain can be over-active in later life.
  
• May over-react to minor stresses, become anxious and/or be angry or short-tempered.
  
• Important to help child develop effective stress regulating systems and anti-anxiety chemical systems in the brain.

Helping children with their big feelings.
This is to develop top-down brain pathways. Over times, these networks will naturally start to control those primitive impulses, enabling him to think about his feelings rather than just discharging them in primitive action.

1. Take your child's distress seriously.
   
2. Recognize how your child is experiencing an event even if it's very different from how you are experiencing it
   
3. Find age-appropriate words for his distress. Even young child will benefit from this kind of understanding. He will calm down because of the parent's tone even if the child doesn't understand the words.
   
4. Meet your child's feelings with the right voice and energy. Match them.
   
5. Be calm and offer clear boundaries. Offer clear boundaries by saying No firmly yet calmly when appropriate. He needs to feel that you are emotionally strong parent who is clearly in charge.
   
6. A key factor in your ability to manage your child's intense arousal states is managing your own. Seek support.
   
7. Use physical soothing.
   

Long-term effects of not helping children

• It makes life such a constant struggle if we are unable to manage stress well, and there are many people who can't just do it.
  
• Suffer all sorts of mental problems such as depression, persistent state of anxiety, phobias or obsession, physical illness, being cut-off emotionally, lethargy and lacking get-up-and-go
  

If you find this helpful, i do urge you to get the book.
Next up: Crying and Separation. Stay tuned.